Its not there anymore

Feeling so down now. I told myself to keep this inside and not show it out. But i just cant. I've been having this weird feeling since last night and when today arrived, i almost didnt want to wake up.
Could u stand your boyfriend showing u a black face when he can be laughing with other girl, and u by their side? Seriously i cant. but i didnt want to make this a big thing. i kept it to myself. until just now after i finish class. u raised your voice to me. wtf u think i am? u think this almost 3 years relationship can make u take me for granted?
U always tell me how much u love me and so. But is this call love? U not caring about me and talking and laughing with another girl? And fetching her to college and make me late for class? and even sms me to ask why didnt i wait for u? If u cant do small things like this for me other guys can do it for me. I cant afford to have this kind of feeling in me. Sorry but i have to go through my studies and your just not my everything.
Honestly, i fall in and out of love easily. and after what happened, i just cant tell u confidently that im still so in love with u anymore. u always convince me that im your only one, how much u love me, how much u care about me. and all the trust i gave to u, this is what i get? and u cant even tell me what both of u were laughing about. there was a moment of pause when i told u about this. but somehow, she can make u laugh and not me.
Im not the kind of girl who can just think that nothing has happened and keep it to myself, im not. I rather get done and over with it now than to wait for u repeating the same thing again.
Tell me, how many times i gave u a chance to prove yourself and how many times u fail me?
So, just now when i was on the way back home, i feel so different, taking public transport home. But at least there were company so that i dont feel so bad. All the people that u hate? those are the people who were there for me when u just throw me there. Even an outsider sense that im not okay. What more u? And u didnt even care about me. Yea, just an sms. And its a photostated sms that u usually send to me. "Im sorry etc". Do u even think this is what i want to hear from u? No this is not. After how long, u still dont understand me.
Im doubting how long can our relationship last. the trust is not there anymore, for me. and for u, it was never there. You are the one who are so cautious about the people around me, and did u see me laughing with other guys and show u a fucked up face before? NO! and how much i trust u, you're the one doing things like this to me. u dont allow me to go out late, dont allow me to keep contact with my friends, dont allow this and that. Have i got these 'rules' on u? NO! that's because i trust u(although i dont knw how many times u did things like this). and i told u before, if u want to flirt and whatsoever i dont mind, as long as i dont know and u dont let me see u doing it.
I have so many things in mind now, and i cant seem to put all in words. I dont even know what should i do now. Last time when im mad, u'll throw everything u have in hand and come accompany me even if i insist saying that i want to be alone. But now, you're different. Dont u feel that u're changing? U're slowly taking me for granted, u dont care about me as much as last time, u're starting to change into another person.
I just cant believe it. I dont think U last time will laugh with a girl, talking to her and not me.
And i was stupid enough to give in to so many things. I sacrifice my everyday for u. I skipped class just to accompany u for 2 hours before your class starts. the only day u have to wait for me and i skipped class just so u dont have to be alone. and me? always the one waiting. when your class starts, i'll automatically find something to do. 2 hours? 4 hours? and after i finish my class, i have to wait for u again.
U have class, i have class too. i have to wait for u so many hours stupidly and i never complain about anything. u on the other hand, just gave me that face and walked off alone after taking my files and books. dont u always wait for me?
When you're pissed at me, u asked me "why u can laugh and smile to other guys and not talk to me?".. then why are u laughing with another girl and not talking to me when i did nothing wrong to you? have u ever cared about how i feel?
Seriously, i know im repeating everything over and over again. but its my blog and im unhappy, i can write anything i want.
Until today, only i know who are the people that will be by my side. definitely not u, coz u were never once by my side when im down. yes u were, the times when both of us quarrel and when we mend things back together again. Those were the times. other than that, u only sms me to asked. and i could almost memorize what u will reply me. not even to drive me somewhere or call me to talk.
This is u.